S is for Spork in the Hitchhiker's Guide
by dairysorbet
Summary: To Arthur, mostly harmless was possibly the most insulting thing he'd ever heard, even worse than that time the smelly boy down the road called him yucky... but more important matters were afoot still, mostly harmless!


DISCLAIMER: I do own Douglas Adam's "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy", in fact, I own the omnibus. However, the rights to it, I do not own, as much as I may want to.

"It's the waiting I find most upsetting." Ford sighed, resting his head on his fist.

"Mostly Harmless… My God, Ford." Arthur whined, squirming into what proved to be an even less comfortable position.

He and his friend Ford Prefect, who he had just discovered was from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, in the course of events following the destruction of Earth, had managed to get themselves imprisoned in an alien airlock that would soon open up into the great vastness that is space, most likely leading to their deaths. They had been waiting for a few minutes now, but it was at this point that Arthur decided, once again, they were going to discuss in greater detail why the entry regarding Earth in the Universe's greatest Encyclopedia consisted of just two words.

"I mean seriously," he continued in an irritated tone, "for fifteen years work, you sure haven't done much." Ford frowned. "You know that isn't my _only _entry!"

"Oh yeah?" Arthur replied, cynically.

"M-hm. I've written many useful entries for the Guide."

"Oh," snapped Arthur, "like what?"

Ford smiled. "Arthur, let me ask you a question. Have you ever heard of a 'Spork'?"

Arthur raised an eyebrow. "What, those weird little spoon-fork things you eat frozen vegetables with?"

"Yes, those." Ford grinned.

"Yeah, I know what Sporks are." Arthur continued. "Why?"

"I wrote the entry on them."

"You wrote an entry about Sporks?"

"Yes. It was a good entry at that."

Ford glowed with pride whilst Arthur bit his lip, trying to refrain from laughing.

"Hey…" Ford exclaimed, as if he'd come up with a brilliant idea, "Do you want to see it?"

"I don't know," Arthur replied, sounding very concerned, "Do I?"

Ford grinned widely, and began sifting through his bag for what Arthur assumed was the Hitchhiker's Guide. He pulled out the device labeled 'DON'T PANIC!' and pressed a large button. The device opened and Ford quickly typed in a few words, which Arthur was too slow to read. No sooner than he blinked, the page had loaded a section entitled…

KITCHENWARE AND GOODS

---SPORK, THE

The Encyclopedia Galactica describes the Spork as a small eating utensil made up of various aspects taken from both the spoon and the fork. The original Spork was concocted in negative 80247 P/AD on the planet Magooglrumbo, where a small group of passing tourist came up with an idea that they thought would be beneficial to the dining experience, saving time and space in ones cupboard. A useful but undeniably unnecessary item.

* * *

"That, of course," Ford interjected, turning his head back to Arthur, "being wrong."

He smirked, then turned his attention back to the Guide.

* * *

Whereas, the hitchhiker's guide, which also mentions Sporks, details the Spork as the only object in the known Universe to surpass the towel in its usefulness. Not quite a spoon, not quite a fork; it's the Universe's most versatile object, if nothing else. This ingenious piece of culinary brilliance was originally thought to have been invented in –80247 P/AD on the planet Magooglrumbo by a passing group of tourists, later identified as a group of space pirates, who were actually trying to assassinate the Magoogly Hierarchy using strange metallic contraptions, which they had found at an Interstellar Weaponry Garage Sale. Coincidentally, these strange metallic objects are what we now know as the only object in the known Universe to surpass the towel in it's usefulness, and, not realising they had been swindled by the now, most likely, incredibly wealthy salesman, the somewhat deranged pirates ambushed the royal family, wielding little more than spiky trinkets. The pirates, of course, were soon beaten to a bloody pulp by the royal Magoogly guards and their strange metallic objects floated off into the amazingly absolute hugeness of space. After about a million light years of floating about, a still incredibly shiny metallic object was spotted in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy on a little insignificant blue planet, inhabited by ape descendants, known as Earth. Actually, the object wasn't really spotted as such; so much as it collided with the cranium of the one of the ape descendants. The ape descendant's response to this miraculous phenomenon being "Ouch". There are no further records of the after events involving the metallic object and the Earth being, however, soon after the collision, many different department stores around the Galaxy began to supply strange metallic contraptions, not unlike those found at the Interstellar Weaponry Garage Sale. These objects known as 'Sporks' had apparently been invented on a little insignificant blue planet somewhere in the district of 'Mars Spas'. Fame was bestowed upon this blissfully unaware planet, but this was short lived, as soon after, a not too dissimilar object known as the 'Splade' went on sale in the more attractive end of the western spiral.

* * *

Ford took the Guide back from Arthur, who was still looking quite frustrated and distressed. "So," Ford exclaimed, beaming proudly, "what do you think?" Arthur turned to face him and looked him straight in the eye.

"Ford," he began, sounding even more irritated than before, "are you aware there is more mentioned about the Earth under _Sporks_ than there is in its actual entry?" his eye twitched (ever so slightly). "Really?" replied Ford, surprised at the lack of enthusiasm his friend was showing towards his article. "I didn't notice." He scratched his head. This did not impress Arthur in the least.

"Well Arthur, if it makes you feel any better," Ford continued, noticing Arthur's disapproval, "we'll _have_ to revise the Earth entry now that it's been destroyed."

"Oh, really?" Arthur responded, instantly seeming a little cheerier.

"Indeed, probably right away too." Ford chirped, smiling.

"And what will you be putting in the revision, Ford?"

The look that befalls a small child when it's done something utterly wrong fell across his face.

"_Was_."


End file.
